How I had longed for this moment, I longed for this trip. Iceland, a beautiful country, amazing food, great energy and well read people who know how to live – to enjoy, take time and value quality in sitting down for conversation over a cup of coffee vs pulling up to the drive through. Don’t get me wrong, I have been a sucker and was over joyed when our local Starbucks opened up with it’s drive-through. This trip was however indeed filled with enriching conversations over frothy cappuccinos, walks, love and peace. We left to celebrate my dad’s 70th birthday, meeting up with all my family from Sweden, step siblings, their families and my dear brother and delightful girlfriend.
My brother… It’s been a long time, so many moments filled with concern, wonder and void. When his ride pulled in, we didn’t feel a bit like strangers, even after close to 14 years apart, and truly apart. If we had been strangers we looked appropriately similar, standing there hugging each other while our families smiled and I cried, I think he did. I know I couldn’t let go. My big brother – so many happy tears, how good it felt.
It’s been a long journey, last time we saw each other was at my wedding and so much has happened… My brother’s story is his to share, my story is that I suffered along side, I went from believing, wanting to help, trying to put it out of my mind and then to cheering from the sidelines. What a roller coaster ride it’s been. For me I can only try to imagine his, I honestly don’t think I want the full picture. However, leading up to us meeting there were times where I know I wasn’t entirely committed to be 100% invested in feeling relief and happiness. I was hesitant. I had [secretly] reserved a pool of doubt, a pool that I would be able to go to if all failed, a place where I could wallow in my pessimism instead of getting my heart ripped out again, a pool that would protect me from feeling so flipping sad.
Then one day, as I was working with a client, encouraging him to commit, strategizing that the only way for him to know if his new personal journey was going to succeed was to take a chance, it dawned on me – Why am I being such a chicken and not following my own advice? Truly it’s not even who I am, I am an all in kind of a girl! So that day forward I set out to be vulnerable, to take the chance that perhaps I’d be let down, perhaps things wouldn’t work out the way I wished for them to do. However, at the end of the day it wasn’t me that it would hurt the most if that was indeed to be the outcome, it wasn’t for me to be so dang frightened… What was for me was to allow myself to look forward, to long for our reunion, to love the progress and rejoicing in the amazing comeback, surely not an easy one but quite impressive! I drained that dismal pool and I have not looked back. There are no guarantees in life other than if you don’t allow yourself to be happy, no one can make you be. Enjoy the moment, more than that we can’t control!
We are brother and sister, and after so many years of wondering and struggling with the unknown past that had gnawed at our lives, we finally met again and it was truly, in so many ways, as if no time had past!