With Valentine’s Day behind us and many people experiencing feelings that they may have held dormant throughout the year, I feel it is important to write about freedom in relationships; freedom to be caring but not the caretaker of someone else’s emotions.
Just as I believe that there shouldn’t just be one day to recognize those we love, I also believe that it is most important to know that we can, and do love ourselves first.
We are the foundation of our own life and everything to be built well must have a solid place to start from. Therefore, let’s acknowledge this… I am here for my own soul’s evolution – Not to take care of you*.
Freedom in relationship is about becoming very clear about your own codependency – the roles (and games) we play with others… your intimate partner as well as family, friends and colleagues.
Who are you when you are in the presence of others? Are you real? Are you hiding your joy, pain, truth, or love. And, what is real love? How can I be in relationship with others and stay true to myself – not FEEL abandoned or enmeshed with the other? And, how can I let go of wanting to save or fix you and just take care of my own SELF… and still feel important, happy and loved?
Having intimacy without responsibility for others is about practicing the art and skill of freedom in relationship… moving toward more love and CARE FOR SELF. We realize that when we truly heal and take care of ALL of our own issues, we are able to love more deeply.
It’s also about the mystery and sacred space that relationship takes us. This work honors the universal truth that tells us: Every relationship I have is mirroring something about me that is wanting to come up into consciousness for my healing and transformation… for my wholeness and the evolution of my soul.
AND, Whenever I have a problem or issue with you, I have an opportunity to heal and transform something inside me … like an unresolved old wound or trauma, something I lost, something I always needed, or something I do not even know!
Soon you will really know that every person you attract in your life is a part of your wholeness, a missing piece of the healing puzzle – that no matter what happens in this relationship, I am healing more because I am choosing to view every part of this relationship as a sacred thing – Yes, I like it.
Love is not about taking care of someone else. Even though taking care of someone else could be rewarding, it usually becomes a burden sooner or later. Some people learned to do this because they had to in order to survive. Some children grew up too fast – having to take care of their siblings or emotionally unbalanced parents.
Caretaking can become a disease. Most caretakers become martyrs and eventually become sick or addicted to something to take away the pain. When I care-take someone else, I get to not take care of myself. If I am caretaking, YOU are what I am always thinking about. I begin to worry, control, manipulate and hold in my feelings or I become angry and hurtful. Either way, it does not work and I am not whole.
I am here on this earth for my own soul’s evolution. I am here to take care of ME.
And, I will let YOU take care of yourself. This does not mean that I will not help you or support you. I will figure out HOW to do that in the healthiest way that serves us both.
As I learn to TAKE CARE OF ME, I am actually more free to love you fully. I will not have to be fearful of the time we spend together – knowing that I am not giving away a part of myself. Today I commit to my journey.
Write your answers to the following questions:
Who Am I Care-Taking?
In what way do I do this?
How long have I been trying to take care of other people?
Am I committed to my own soul’s evolution?
* I feel it is important to point out that I am writing about mature, intimate relationships, not suggesting that we should not take care of loved ones who need us and our children. I can’t emphasize enough to the importance of raising our children with much care; consistency, boundaries and unconditional LOVE!